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In this post, I am going to tell you what to do when your child’s father chooses the girlfriend over the child. The reason that I am so well versed in this topic is that it has happened in my own situation. I cannot think of ONE time where his father did not choose a woman over him. So I get it, it is frustrating to deal with. Also, check out my video below on how to get over your baby daddy and click here to subscribe to my channel.
BUT as frustrating as it is I certainly do not want you single moms out there to fall apart or to get so angry and/or frustrated that you say or do something that is going to make you look like a fool. But I do get it.
Because as a mom who would do anything for your child you don’t understand why a man chooses other people over their own flesh and blood, how can he be such a deadbeat dad, and how can he not see what pain it is causing the child. I do not know what makes fathers choose their girlfriend over their own child so I cannot give you an insight into why they do it. What I can tell you is what to do and how to do deal with it. Also, check out my 9 step plan to moving past your child’s father audio for more help in this situation, click here to check it out.
This post is going to be separated into three parts
- First, how to deal with your child’s father not seeing the child.
- Second, how you can deal with your child’s father
- Third, how you can deal with the girlfriend.
Father chooses girlfriend over child ~ How To Deal When The Father Stops Spending Time With The Child
1. When Father Chooses Girlfriend Over Child ~ Communicate the issues
I wish I can tell you that when you communicate the issue that the things may change. That your child’s father will say “yeah I understand” and turn around his behavior. It is possible, BUT it is also possible that he is going to get pissed off with you and accuse you of being jealous or something crazy. Regardless of all of that you still have to communicate the issue.
No one is a mind reader and at the very least allows him to try to fix the situation on his own once you tell him that there is a problem. To do this, always remember to practice assertive communication. Say what you mean, what you see the issue is, and what you want him to do better. And give him a chance to correct it.
2. Father chooses girlfriend over child ~ Scheduled Visitation
Part of the problem with your child’s father choosing the girlfriend over his child is that he probably spends little to no time with your child because he is probably out and about spending all his time with his girlfriend. To alleviate any confusion, you can come up with a schedule.
That way, your child knows when the father is supposed to visit, you know when he is supposed to visit, and the father knows when he is supposed to visit. No one should be confused here. And since he knows when he is supposed to see the child, everyone can shift their schedule in advance. Therefore, there should not be any excuses for how he forgot to see the child or that he does not time.
And really, if your situation is like my situation, then it is possible for him to not adhere to a schedule and come up with all these excuses as to why he is not seeing the child. But remember, you can still try to give people the benefit of the doubt and try to work with them. You cannot control if they are not willing to work with you.
3. Father chooses girlfriend over child ~ Get the Court-Involved
No one has time to go back and forth with your child’s father. After all, you are doing the right thing as a single mom while he is out with his girlfriend doing nothing. It can be a lot more frustrating to get the court involved, but once they are involved it can also be more carefree.
Meaning that the court sets visitation and they set who has to do what and when. Which means you do not have to. Even with these tips understand that the father still may not see or be there for your child like he is supposed to. All you can do, is do your part, and either he is going to step up to the plate or he isn’t. And if he doesn’t then that is his problem NOT YOURS.
Father chooses girlfriend over child ~ How to deal with the father
4. Father chooses girlfriend over child ~ Choose not to care
I also want you to read my blog on how to deal with your child’s father moving on. But really you have to choose not to care. After you have communicated the issue and done all that you can do, then you just have to not care about what they do. Take it from me, my son’s father had disappeared from my son’s life for YEARS and YEARS on end. With no communication whatsoever.
And you just have to choose not to care, get on with your life, do what you need to do as a mother, and do not go into these long conversations with your child about the other woman or his father’s shortcomings. All you have to do is live your life and do the best thing you can do for you and your child, and pretend that neither of them (your child’s father and his girlfriend) exist in your world. Your child will see the situation for what it is and their father for what it is in due time. Also, check out my video down below which is the same advice I gave a single mom when she was abandoned by her child’s father.
5. Father chooses girlfriend over child ~ Do What Is Best for Your Child and Don’t Feel Bad
Often times when your child’s father is involved with another woman he may try to get you to do things that are against your better judgment as a parent. For example, after my son’s father was not in his life for four years, he called me up and asked could my son start spending the weekends with him and his new girlfriend. And of course, I said no. And I think you can guess why me sending my son with his father that he had not seen in 4 years and a woman who I have never met a day in my life is not a good idea.
From there, I was seen as being none helpful and keeping my son away from his father. And guess what? I chose not to care. I did not give in because at the end of the day I am doing what I feel is best for my son. And I will not let anyone make me feel bad about it. There are times where your child’s father may want to introduce his girlfriend pre-maturely or try to make you feel like the bad guy because you won’t allow your child to do xy and z with his new girlfriend. But your obligation is to your child and not to him and his new woman. As long as you are doing the right as a mom who cares about what they think.
Father chooses girlfriend over child ~ How To Deal With Her
6. Father chooses girlfriend over child ~ Do Not Engage and Do No Throw Insults
I do not want to hear that any of you arguing with the other woman, start insulting her, and getting into physical altercations with anyone. You are someone’s mother for God’s sake! Do not make things messier by coming for her. I do not care if she came for you first and called you names. Maintain some class about yourself and about the situation and do not engage. And as soon as it starts to turn messy, then disengage and do not get messy in return.
7. Father chooses girlfriend over child ~ Remember You Had A Child With Him And Not Her
There are many women that feel that because she is with your child’s father that it gives her the right to be all up and in your business. It does not. You do not have to go through her to schedule visitation and you two do not have to bond together. You had a child with him and not her and however much you want her to be involved or not be involved you control that situation.
There are some mothers who want to be involved with the girlfriend, be friends, and meet each other. Then there are other ones like me who don’t. Really it is up to do what you think is best. But do not get so caught up in the girlfriend and wanting to be the mix of what is going with them that you forget that the whole point is about the child.
The last warning I want to give you is that you have to have peace of mind about the situation. So my final tip to you is to
8. Father chooses girlfriend over child ~ Disengage
Remember at any given moment you have a right to be in peace and disengage from the foolishness. If your child’s father is turning into too much to deal with, she is turning into too much to deal with, or the situation is just frustrating to you. Then choose to disengage.
If he chooses to see your child, then have him pick the child up from your mother’s or your friend’s home. You do not have to talk to or be in any situation that you do not want to be in. These are my tips for fathers who choose their girlfriends over their children. Although we may never understand it, it is not for us to understand. They have to live with their consequences, not us. And remember, even as a mother I do not support women putting men over their children (see my blog here).
If you know a fellow single mom that needs to read this post, then feel free to share it with her.