Normally I am a HUGE HUGE advocate of dating because I feel it is an excellent way to get yourself out there, discover what you want in a relationship, or even help you with self-esteem, and feeling comfortable with the opposite sex BUT not everyone should date. In fact, some of you need to stop dating ASAP. Because the more you do it the more you do it the more you are causing your own self pain because some of y’all need to heal. If you want to know if this is you then here are some clues:
When to stop dating and under what circumstances are you emotionally damage yourself.
When you feel like you NEED a relationship.
You do not need a relationship you need Jesus, air, water, and food. The more you feel like you need someone to make you happy the more you will be disappointed. Because happiness comes from within not another person.
You keep having sex with everyone so you can fill fulfilled or love.
Do not sit here and tell me that you want to be sexually free with no strings attached. Because many of you are just out here sleeping with any and every man that you do not even know because you want to feel âloved.â
There are song lyrics from TI in his song Back then in which he asked one his female friends why she just gives up her vagina to any and every man, to which her response was this:
“All I wanna do is feel love, Even if I know it ain’t real love. Even if I know heâll only hit it, and quit it, and then never call back, Iâll still (fill in the blank it starts with an F).â
What she was saying is that she knows men are using her and running through her but she still has sex with them to fill an emotional void within herself. And her situation is a lot of people. This behavior is not healthy I do not care how much of a sexually drive culture we live in.
You are attracted to emotionally abusive or toxic men.
Some people call these âdaddy issues.â But when women have some unresolved issues with men in their lives (as in a bad relationship with their father) they tend to go for toxic or emotionally abusive men. Typically these women, suffer from low self-esteem, co dependence and keep ending up in a relationship with men that just use, abuse you, and treat you bad.
You are toxic
On the flip side to being attracted to toxic men you may be the toxic one. And every man that you get with ends up way worse and with way more emotional issues because they were with you. The woman who is always yelling, the woman that is insecure and attacking people for no reason, the woman who wants to emotionally or physically abuse their man, or the woman that has a complete and utter break with reality any time her man spends 5 minutes away from her. That is not normal.
If any of the above situations ring true with you then you need to STOP DATING. ASAP! Because doing so is causing yourself MORE PAIN and the more pain you have the harder and longer it is going to be to heal. What all of the above means is that you lack something called self-regulation and you are looking for a relationship to give you “self regulation” when really that can only come from yourself. Hence “self” regulation.
To explain self-regulation I am going to give you my excerpt in my book for Single Women âFix It, Jesus! For Single Women Only. The Straightforward No-Nonsense Guide to Dating, Relationships, and Self Improvementâ which you can click here to buy or click here to read the first chapter for free.
As a mental health person, I may have used a word you are not familiar with so let me define self-regulation. In short, self-regulation means that YOU and only YOU have the ability to control yourself, your behavior, and your actions without the influence of other people. Depending on someone else to complete you is the opposite of having good self-regulation. You need to practice being happy on your own, completing yourself on your own, and not allowing your happiness to be dictated by who is or is not in your life.
Now that I have gone in on you a little bit I want you to know that I care for each and every one of you and everything that I say is out of love which is why I am going to give you some steps on what you need to do to start healing yourself so that you can date in a way that is healthy.
Step #1 Stop Dating and Donât Even Get Tempted
I have already told you to stop dating but donât just stop dating until the next man comes by and ask you out on a date. NO, you really be intentional about NOT DATING. Remove yourself from Tinder and whatever other dating apps you are on. Be celibate so that you are not emotionally connecting with men, making soul ties with them, and you are not getting your emotions all out of whack sharing yourself with everyone because you want to be “loved.” Even when a man approaches you, turn them down. You need to be MALE FREE.
And I do not want to hear that he âmayâ be the one. Because if he was the âoneâ then nothing is going to ruin that. And if you have a habit of dating and attracting toxic men then you REALLY need to heal and not trust your own judgment when it comes to men anyway because the guy trying to talk to you may be toxic. And if you are toxic, and he is the one then you are not in a place to take on a relationship because you are toxic. To be safe, donât date until you are emotionally ready.
Step #2 Stop Dating and Have some self-reflection
This is the MOST important part of what you need to do. And that is the healing and healing can only come when you have self-reflection. There can be some deep rooted issues in you that you do not even know about. Read my blog on how other peopleâs issues can become your issues. Either way, it is time to find them and it is time to heal from them.
Here are some of the ways you can do it but click here to read my full blog on steps to take to get rid of baggage.
Telling yourself something until you believe it is a powerful tool to combat some of the issues you have. To come up with affirmations you have to tell yourself the opposite of what you currently believe is true.
- I am complete on my own, happy, and confident on my own (to addressed the neediness).
- I am a positive person, I seek to bring joy everywhere I go, I am not the type of person that says and does things that will hurt other people (to address you being toxic).
- I deserved to be loved and will only date men who treat me with dignity and respect (to address you being attracted to emotionally unavailable men).
Also, feel free to check out my Christian Manifestation guide filled with affirmations and prayer that will always help you with emotional healing.
I am a HUGE fan of journaling and have been doing it since a teen. You can click my blog on a letter to my younger self to see how you can use a journal as being therapeutic. I have personally used and continue to use journaling as a way to heal some of the issues I have. When you journal, you can write down. There are a few things that will happen.
As you write you will start to gain clarity and feel an emotional release. Especially as you go further in your healing journey. When you first start writing you may write about the pain, how much it sucks that you are dating, you have no man, that you are lonely, depressed, and all the other whining that you will probably do. As you progress in your healing that type of talk with stop. AND when you came back once you are healed and read what you wrote I think you will be shocked on how pressed over a man.
If you are needy, you may write something like. âI do not have a man, I feel so lonely and depressed, and like no one will love me.â Ideally, as you implement some of the other exercises and get stronger in your healing you will come back and reflect on some of the unrealistic notions you had about yourself. If by chance you come back and read your journal and some of these unrealistic notions still make sense to you. Then that is sign that you are not ready to date and you still have some healing to do.
This is a Christian lifestyle blog so you know I am going to mention prayer. Because like the old saying goes prayer changes things. Take the following Bible verse:
Is anyone among you in trouble? Let them pray. Is anyone happy? Let them sing songs of praise. James 5:13
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:6
If you are feeling depressed, lonely, needy, or want God to heal you from dating the losers that you have been dating then you need to pray about it. I can promise you that I have been upset and depressed about some of the most serious things, relationships, men that I wanted to get over, or heartbreak I wanted to get over and God literally transformed me from being a needy, insecure, woman who was dating the wrong type of man to the woman that you see here today.
And before you think I am bragging I AM SO NOT. I think that it is a testimony to prayer that anyone can be transformed and healed from issues that cause their dating life to be destructive to their own mental health.
Read the Bible
I know some people think this may not work because a lot of you feel that the Bible is outdated and does not relate you. But I promise you when you read a Bible that you actually understand there is wisdom beyond anything you can imagine in it, regarding everything. That is the wonder of the Holy Spirit that when you read something in the Bible God will tell you how it directly applies to your situation. You can click here for tips on how to read the Bible. Take for example my video below about how to get over your ex. All of what I am saying is found in the Bible but can be applicable to what you are going through today and it was only through the Holy Spirit that I was able to use scriptures that were thousands of years old and make it relevant to my relationship choices now. And that is how the Bible can also help you heal.
I always recommend counseling for healing. Especially if you have long term deep-rooted issues that you are not able to heal on your own or if you are having trouble finding where some of your behavior comes from. Finding a licensed therapist, a life coach, or even pastoral counseling can really help you shed light on the areas you need to be healed from and give you additional exercises that are specific what you need for healing.
Step # 3 I have stopped dating now when can I start dating
I would like to sit here and tell you that you can do this for a day or two, that you are healed and then you are ready to date BUT that is probably not true. I actually took a couple of years break from dating. And if your mouth dropped open right then when I said that then you are NOT ready to date. You are still depending on a relationship for your validation. I am NOT telling you that it will take years. I have no way of knowing that. But it is not a day or even a week process. And it is all for the betterment of YOU. Remember that.
The real sign to look for is that you should always be cool, calm, collected, and happy no matter who you are or are not dating, who you are or are not in a relationship with, and no matter if you are or are not having sex. Then and only then once you have complete and total self-regulation without the outside influence or attention of men, then that is when you are able to date.
And I caution you to actually give yourself time to heal and not just jump into going through the motions of the steps claiming to be healed just so you can get back out there again. Donât fake the funk! This will only hurt you if you go back to dating before you are fully healed or ready. You will just repeat the same exact mistakes again, getting the same heartbreak, developing the same neediness, going to the same no good men, repeating the same toxic behaviors, and allowing men to use and abuse your body while you call it love. And the work that you did do will be erased because you went back into the dating pool before you were ready. But if you wait, and you are TRULY healed then your dating life will be more enriched, stable, you will be more happy, and self-fulfilled. Then you will be ready for a healthy husband, boyfriend, and future relationships.
If you know someone that is doing way too much in the dating arena and it is affecting them emotionally then go ahead and share this post with them. PLUS if you are still undecided about my book for single women, then watch the trailer below. Click here to buy and click here to get the first chapter FREE.