What if I told you that not getting child support actually helped me reach the level I am today? Now don’t make the mistake in what I am saying. If you are a single mom, then yes go to the court and attempt to get it. I am not telling you that you should not go after what is owed to your child.
I literally put an order on my son’s father when my child was 4 weeks old and I did not see my first child support to about 7 years later at which case it was only $65, the same that he pays to this day at which time my son is 11 years old. In my state that is the minimum that a person can pay when they don’t have a job. Yes, my son’s father does have a job but that does not keep him from reporting that he doesn’t have one. I am not even going to get into that whole story but what I will say is this.
Even if you have a child support order:
- It does not mean that they will pay it.
- It does not mean it will be enough.
- It doesn’t mean that your child support will always be there or always be the same amount of money. Things happen, situations happen that can keep him from paying it (in my case my son’s father became incarcerated).
As all the above situations happened to me, I quickly realized that I did not want my situations to be dictated based on if child support came that month or not. Sad to say I have spoken to so many women where they cannot pay all their bills for the month, get their child what they need, or cannot afford xy and z because their child’s father did not pay their child support that month. Which ultimately left them to feeling frustrated, limited, angry, and chasing after their child’s father to try to make them DO when really they don’t have to DO anything. Should they do, YES. But if they don’t want to then what?
Before I get into the post I do not want you to think I am telling you to NOT get child support, I am just telling you not to be defined by it. Before we get into the post, check out my video below on how to get over your child’s father where I give more tips on the importance of moving on from him and moving into your own. Also, click here to subscribe to my channel.
Not Getting Child Support Makes You Realize That You Need Some Support And It Needs To Come From Somewhere.
The need for my child is not going to change. When I did not get child support, I quickly realized this. At that point, I had a decision to make. Since my son’s father was incarcerated, he could work in jail and he could have paid the $65 but didn’t and even if he did what would that have really gotten me? What is that amount of money going to do? It was in that moment that I quickly realized that I needed to come up with the money, on my own because I had needs, my child had needs, and I wanted to be able to pay for both without having to feel limited. It was not my fault that my son’s father did not want to provide, just like it was not my son’s fault. BUT YET, we were paying the price for it.
It was at that moment that I started to do things to get extra money. Some of the things I did are included in this post where I talk about immediate ways to get money. No matter if it was selling my old textbooks, finding side hustles online, and eventually starting my own business, writing books, and building my brand. The reason why I did this is that I did not want to be limited on where I lived, on what my son could have, or to feel like I was in an eternal state of struggle because I had to do on my own and because my son’s father won’t do.
Not getting child support and where so many other single moms go wrong.
Before I say this to my fellow single moms, I want you to realize that I am one of you and I know exactly how it feels not to get any money. BUT where many single moms go wrong is that you are chasing the wrong things and not chasing the right things. Does it suck that you may not be getting enough child support? YES. Does it suck that your ex does not pay child support and you have to go come through for your child every month no matter if you have it or not? Yes. But it is at this point that you have a decision to make and so many single moms make the wrong one.
The wrong decision is to sit, complain, get mad, spend months and even years of this eternal cycle of complaining about child support. Trying to get what is owed to your child, being angry, upset, and depressed over what HE is not giving to your child. This is time, energy, and effort wasted that you could be doing instead of going out and getting your own.
Case a point: A single mom that I know
I want to tell you a story of a single mother I know, and her situation maybe like your situation. She was a stay at home mom that got a divorced. Once divorced she was receiving a good amount of child support which helped her pay for a place to live and she went to school on the side. Once her ex got with another woman who had children, married her, all the abundant amount of money she once was getting stopped. Soon she was left with not having enough for rent, for food, for school supplies, and she was left struggling for the essentials that she needed for herself and her son at which point she went crazy. AND she made a bunch of excuses. I am in school and I cannot have a job. I cannot do this, and he wonâ€™t pay that. And although I understand, like I said before what can you do about it?
The Advice I Gave Her About The Actually Benefits Of Not Getting Child Support
The advice I gave her was the same advice I gave myself when I was not getting child support. To stop making excuses that you cannot control him, what he does, and the more you try the more you will get frustrated. Instead, put the energy into yourself and doing what you need to do for you and yours. At which point she became infuriated. She came up with more excuses on how I did not understand, how it was not fair, followed by more complaining about the situation. But see the thing is that I do understand, I did understand, and I also understand that the way she was going about things was the WRONG way. The fact of the matter was that I got a Master’s and a Ph.D. as a single mom while holding a full-time job where I worked on average 50 hours a week. Was it hard? YES. Was it fair? NO. But did it help me in the long run? Absolutely. Which brings me to my next point.
Not Getting Child Support Helped Me Be Free
As crazy as it sounds, SOME men use child support to control women. As the case with my friend. Her ex as a jerk. He wanted to see her suffer, he wanted to see her struggle, and he wanted to know that he had the power to giveth and taketh away. He wanted her to know that he was giving to a new family and that was his priority. All of this is about control or to show YOU that YOU don’t have control over anything. And HE has control over a whole lot. What he does with his money, who he gives it to, and some days he may want to give it to you and some days he does not.
What’s my point:
Do you really want to place your livelihood on what your ex is or is not willing to give? Or if the check does come then you will just have extra but it is not the defining moment that makes or breaks whether your child is living in poverty or not. You can click here to see the time when I felt like I was a horrible mom and when I was literally failing to make ends meet. And everything fell on me no matter what even the days that I did not have enough money to even myself and had to choose between my son eating or myself. BUT where I am now versus where I was then is like night and day an in both situations, I was not getting enough child support. But it is like the Bible verse says:
See, I set before you today life and prosperity, death and destruction. Deuteronomy 30:15
Choosing death and destruction would have been sitting there like my friend above was doing. Complaining about what was not being done for me and allowing what other my son’s father would not give to me OR I could choose prosperity and trust that I would find a way to get there on my own, with the help of God of course, and not without the help of my son’s father. And not getting child support actually was the push to make me see this on my own. And pushed me to get there on my own.
Not Getting Child Support Final Points.
- All and all there are some final points that I want you to take away from all of this.
- Yes, file for child support I fully believe that it is your right to have.
- BUT, know that even if you do it does not mean he will pay it.
- Depending on child support without being able to pay for everything own will put you at the mercy of your ex.
- Often times when you don’t get child support it is not a punishment, but it can be a blessing in disguise. It can give you the final push you need to step into your own and to start making your own money.
As a single mother we have hidden strengths, the world may put us in a box and they may even stereotype us thinking that we are all women who just sat around and had children on our own and that us asking for child support is just us being a gold digger. Don’t feed into the mindset or the world. Don’t feed into the mentality that you are limited because you are a single mom. That you must be bitter for not getting child support, or you are just sitting around waiting for a check to come in the mail with no real way to provide on your own.
Choose to level up and go after the life you and your child deserves. Place no limits on yourself and move forward without even paying attention to your ex. I can almost promise you that it is such a satisfying feeling when after your ex leave you, that you used the fact that they did not pay their child support as motivation to make you better, to get more money, to look better, to go back to school, to get a better job, and to live a bigger and better life more than what they thought you were capable of and to be 10000% better then they ever thought you could be. This is the best thing that you can do for you and yours over just sitting around pining over what your ex won’t give you. Also, check out my video below on how to level up on an ex, and don’t forget to subscribe to my channel by clicking here.
If you know a fellow single mom that is not getting any child support, then be sure to share this post with her. And, also, I have a book for single moms an amazon bestseller and I want to give you the first chapter for free. You can click here to buy the book (also on audible) or you can click here to get the first chapter for free.