To listen to the blog post “6 Tips On How Single Moms Raising Boys Can Raise A Man” over reading it click the play button below.
I am a single mom raising a son which is why I want to give other single moms raising boys tips that will help you raise your son to be the best man he can be. Before I start this post I want to say that I do believe for a child, particularly a boy, having both a mother and a father is a benefit.
However, if you are in a situation like me, a single mom raising a son with no father around, then you have no choice but to be that single mom trying to raise a man. AND don’t let anyone tell you that you cannot do it because you don’t know what it is like to be a man.
In my other blog post about single moms raising a son, I stated that I may not know what it is like to be a man BUT I am a woman who knows what type of man I feel the world is missing. If you are confused by that statement then head over to that blog to get the full meaning. Also, to hear what it is like to be raised by a single mom’s from my son’s perspective by watching the Q and A below with my son and I, and don’t forget to subscribe to my channel by click here.
The fact of the matter is that people feel that it takes a man to raise a man. But I think a single mom raising a boy is very possible. You can read my single mother story here, but I do not think that if my son’s father was in his life he could raise him better than I can. He battles with maintaining his own manhood so how can he raise one? Since he does not personify one. I know what you are saying that was harsh, but it was not my intent to be harsh but it is my intent, to tell the truth. The same truth that so many single moms are living. Perhaps having no father in their son’s life or perhaps just an uninvovled one, and they are stuck trying to do it all and figure it all out on their own.
And I know that many of you single mothers are living the same truth, in a situation like mine, and you may be tired of other people telling you that your son’s father can raise a better man than you. And like me you may be thinking that he cannot even raise himself and so raising a boy as a single mom is your only option.
This is not a bashing session for fathers who are not there for their children, but I had to give a history and set precedence what I am about to tell you. And to also show you that I know where you are coming from because there are a lot of single moms raising boys out there, wondering if they can raise a man. And I am here to tell you that even though it may be harder, yes it can be done.
1. Single Moms Raising Boys ~ How To Raise A Boy As A Single Mom Raise Him To Be The Type of Man You Want To Marry
I wrote a blog on this previously (which you can read here), so I will not go into a lot of detail about it. As a single mom raising a son, you should know what type of man that you would want in your life, what type of man you want to marry, or what type of man that you think would be a good husband. And that is an advantage that you have as a woman.
The easiest advice for a single mom raising a boy is to remember this. The same values that you want in a future husband or even the values that you may see lacking in other men that you have dated or perhaps even your son’s father, instill those values in your son. Since you are a woman you have firsthand experience on how women want to be treated. Tell your son to always open the door for women, do not disrespect women or call them names, to never put his hand on a woman, and train them up the way that they should go, and when they get older they will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6
So many women complain that there are no good men out here in the world. Okay fine, you have the perfect opportunity to raise one. Raise him to be the type of man you want to marry. I always say that the woman who marries my son will thank me.
Because as I raise him, I teach him what it means to value and respect women. You can watch my video below where I spoke about this in my single mom raising a boy series that I had on my channel. No I may not be a man BUT I am a woman and I know how women want to be treated by men and that is something that as a single mom you can bring to the table when raising your son.
2. Single Moms Raising Boys ~ For A Single Mom Raising a Boy Remember Have a Male Role Model
Raising a boy as a single mom I fully realize I am not a man. But there are some positive male role models that my son has. These men can be uncles, cousins, grandfathers, or any man that you know that will consistently be in your son’s life. Because if that relationship only lasts for 6 months or a year and you will have multiple relationships like this.
Then it is teaching your son that it is okay for men to come and go and bounce in and out of their lives. And that is the last perception that you want to give out. Have a consistent male role model. My son has a close family friend that has been in his life since he was a baby. He takes him out, to the movies, does activities, and teaches him “manly things” that perhaps I cannot relate to.
When raising a boy as a single mom remember this. No matter what your child’s father situation is like, if he is not consistent, if he cannot hold a job, or if he is in and out of jail. It is important for your son to have a male role model that does not model these things but models what a man should be. You do not want your son to think that the type of behavior his father is modeling is normal and you do not want to just starve your son of male attention.
If you have positive male friends or family that can be in their lives then allow that to happen. Who says a father figure has to be biological? My son more so takes after the family friend then he does his dad and I have no issue with that because he is a great role model for my son. Even though he has no actual blood connection.
3. Single Moms Raising Boys ~ As A Single Mom Raising A Boy You Have To Be Both
One of the hardest things about how to raise a boy as a single mom is that you do have to be both. I know many people say that a mother cannot be a father. And in a sense that is true. But the fact of the matter is that if you are a single mom raising a son, then you have to be both. You have to be the comforter and the disciplinary. What I have observed from single moms raising sons is that they have a tendency to be too soft.
They want to overcompensate for the fact that the dad is not there or due to their female nature they do not know how to be more aggressive. But being too soft on a child, babying a child, or overly mothering a child so much that you do not want to instill discipline is a huge mistake. And this type of behavior will not teach your son to be a man. He will grow up entitled thinking everyone is suppose to baby him and then he will get his feelings hurt as an adult when that does not happen. You have to bring out the masculine side of yourself when raising your son.
Naturally, my personality is more assertive and so it makes it easier for me to show my son this and to communicate this to him. There have been plenty of times, where he was allowing other students to take advantage of him at school. Many mothers would have visited the school or cuddled their child to make his hurt and pains go away. Not me, I dug into my son. And let him know that as a boy that is one day going to be a man that he has to demand respect. People will take advantage of you because you let them, so your job is to not let them and you have to teach people how to treat you. If you cannot get it under control now, then it will continue into adulthood. Man up son!
There were no cuddles, hugs, or allowing him to have a pity party for himself. At the end of the day, I am trying to raise a man. BUT as a mother, there are times that I do have to cuddle him. There is a fine balance and knowing when to do each.
As a single mom raising a boy, I want to teach my son to have emotion but I also do not want to teach my son to grow up to be someone who is not going to be able to fight his own battles or handle himself as he goes through life. Because by enabling him I am not doing him ANY favors. Some other things that I do with my son are that he is naturally into basketball. So I got into basketball.
We play NBA on the XBOX, I know his favorite basketball player, and I actively engage in some of the more masculine hobbies that he is developing. I do not want him to develop a hobby in sports and not be able to express his passion at home. For some females such as myself more boyish hobbies such as gaming and sports may come naturally. For others, they may have to work at it. Even though you cannot transform yourself into a man, do try to model some of the more masculine things, hobbies, and behaviors for your son. And once again check out the last video in my single mom raising boy series below.
4. Single Moms Raising Boys ~ How To Raise A Boy As A Single Mom Remember No Pity Party
Raising a boy as a single mom means my son is fully aware that he does not have a father living in the home and that his father does not come to see him. But in the end, it is the fact of life. It is what it is and me throwing a pity party for him or always mentioning it is not going to change that. In the end, just about EVERYONE has their own burdens to bear. My son being without a father is not the end of the world and it will not hinder him from growing up into a productive and responsible human being. So even though your son not having a father for whatever reason sucks, it is not the end all be all.
Do not throw your child a pity party and allow them to fester in what they do not have and think that just because they do not have a father it entitles them to be pitied by other people. It doesn’t. The fact of the matter is that no one is going to feel sorry for you as much as you feel sorry for yourself (click here to read my blog). How many times have you seen grown people, blaming their misfortune in life because they did not have a father?
That is no excuse. This is coming from someone (myself) who grew up without a biological father but I had several fathers figures. My mother never made me feel that something was wrong with me, that I was at a disadvantage, or that I could not do anything that I did not want to do That is why I sit here with a PhD and other people are sitting about complaining to the world that their life sucks and they cannot get a job because they have no father.
Yes not having a father is hard, but it is not a life choice that you or your child needs to carry with them into adulthood and make an excuse as to why they are failing at life. Do not allow your son to grow up into one of those people. It starts off at home, by not letting them play victim due to not having a father.
5. Single Moms Raising Boys ~ How To Raise A Boy As A Single Mom Put the Blame Where The Blame Needs To Be
I am not saying walk around and bash your ex to your son. But sometimes a conversation is needed to let a child know that the reason why their father is not a good father, does not come and see them, or is uninvolved is because THEY choose not to be. In one of my newsletters, I wrote about how to deal with an uninvolved father and how to deal with not blaming anyone. Click here to read.
I remember a few years back I asked my son if he felt it was his fault that his father did not come to see him. To my surprise, he said yes. I quickly shut that down. I told him “It is not your fault, you cannot control other people” and then I went into the let’s not throw yourself a pity party mode.
That was one of the first and last times we had that conversation and my son did understand that his dad had a car and if he wanted to be here (just like mommy is here every day) then he would be. But for whatever reason, reasons unrelated to him he is choosing not to be here. And in the end, it is his father that is missing out on a great human being. I let my son know that he should feel no shame at all. This is not blaming anyone nor is it throwing anyone under the bus. It is just telling your child the truth.
6. Single Moms Raising Boys ~ Remember Raising A Boy As A Single Moms To Be Strong
I am very particular about how I appear in front of my son. I do not openly cry in front of him and even when I got laid off from my job I never let him know I was struggling financially or any other issues that I had, check out my blog on when I felt I was failing as a parent. Since my son does not have a father, he needs to see a really strong mother. The type of mother that he sees is one that works hard, makes sure he has a good education and participates in extracurricular activities.
Never does my son think for a minute that his life is subpar to his friend’s lives because he does not have a father. As a mother, because I do not allow him to see that. Even on my worst days, I get up, put a smile on my face, and be a mother to my son. Children observe you a lot even when you are not talking. They absorb your work ethic and your strength. What you are communicating and what you do can say more than what you say. And even though my son does not know the extent of how hard I work for him, when he is older he will and I am sure that it will make him stronger.
Being a single mom raising a son does not mean that you or your son is doomed. You can raise a completely good man, them not having a father is not the end all be all to their life. There are plenty of people who are raised by a father and still turn out to be a hot mess. Follow these tips and do your best when raising your son. That is all you can do.
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Did you know that I have a book specifically for single moms? To know more about my No Nonsense Single Mom’s Devotional then click here. Or if you are not sure, then click here and you can get the first few chapters for free.
Love the bit about raising a boy to be a man you would want to marry. Great article!
Thank you so much.
Nicely written, It’s difficult yet fulfilling life experience