To listen to the blog post What’s Keeping You From High Self Esteem over reading it just click the play button below.
Let’s talk about why you don’t have high self esteem because the fact of the matter is that many people struggle with having high self esteem. I have learned that the struggle with high self esteem can be more common among women because let’s face it. Women go through a lot of criticism. From men, from society, from other women causing women to struggle with having high self esteem.
And as a woman who suffers from high self esteem I have learned that self esteem comes from within. I mean let’s face it, I am a black woman who is 5’2 and no where near a size two. Ideally, I am not the stereotypical beauty that the world tells us to look like (as most of us aren’t) but yet and still I have high self esteem. Which you can watch my video below more on that.
Because what I have learned is that the world is always going to be criticizing you and finding something wrong with you or at least making you think that something is wrong with you and therefore if you listen to them you will be stuck in an endless cycle of low self esteem because of what everyone else says. When really high self esteem comes from within. Therefore, I am going to tell you why you do not have high self esteem and how to get it.
1. You Have No Self Regulation
Self regulation and self esteem go hand and hand and if you want to be an emotional stable person especially one with high self esteem self regulation is something that you want to get ASAP. Self regulation is the ability to regulate oneself without any outside interference.
This is important when it comes to high self esteem because many reasons why you have low self esteem it is because you pay too much attention to the outside world and what they have to say about how you should feel about yourself. And because you pay attention to the outside world the way you feel about yourself is swayed by the outside world. And that could be the key that is keeping you from high self esteem.
Therefore, when you have self regulation you know that you are the bees knees simply because YOU say so. You don’t need anyone to tell you how awesome you are, you just know that for yourself. And because self regulation is how you feel about yourself with no outside interference then it really does not matter who feels what about you, your self esteem is not going to change because of how you feel about yourself.
2. You Think You Are Ugly
In this day and age as I wrote in my blog on social media depression which you can read here, it is easy for women to feel ugly because they are comparing themselves to photo shop and a bunch of build a bear women fresh out of plastic surgery land. And because you may be comparing yourself to something that does not exist you feel you pale in comparison. As I say in my video below, beauty is subjective. I mean think about it. Who determines what is and what is not beautiful? People, right? And if someone somewhere determines what is pretty and not then why can’t that person be you? I want to tell you an absolutely true story.
Growing up I went to mostly white schools. I always had a pretty big butt (which was not in back then by the way) and hips. And for these reasons I as not considered desirable at all. I was not the one that boys would come and flock to, but I remember making a decision not to care. As my friends were dating and having boyfriends I was not and I surely was not going to sit and be depressed about it.
And so, I took care of myself, my hair, I dressed like I was a 90s teenage hip hop star. Like literally that happened. Because even though other people did not see me like a super star I started to see myself like that, thanks to the teenage imagination I learned a valuable lesson that stayed with me even now. I spent years doing that until one day something happened. On a Valentines day one year 5 boys came up to me and gave me flowers and compliments. I didn’t even know they were paying attention me because other people’s thoughts about me was not my focus.
It was in that moment I learned something about how much you value yourself and how high you think of yourself sends a subconscious message for other people to think the same way about you. I distinctly remember someone saying that I the way that I walked said something about me. I walked with confidence and with my head held high. NOT because other people thought I was a beauty queen but because I did. And because I believed in myself its like I convinced other people to do so as well.
And so I say to you, that you are not ugly. If you need someone to tell you that today I am telling you that now. You are not, and it is time that you start to see the beauty in yourself and when you do you will convince other people to see that as well.
3. You Are Not Your Best Self
I can relate to this when I weighed over 200 pounds. Remember when I talked about my confidence above, I am not going to lie gaining a lot of weight defiantly shook that. And I spent a few years like this until I did something about it. I get not having high self esteem because you are not your best self, because you have acne (which I took suffered from by the way), because you have extra weight, because you do not have the best job, because you are broke, because you feel your like sucks, because you failed out of college, because you feel that you have wasted your life away and so now you feel that you are not worth anything because you can be better.
If that is the case, I highly suggest that you read my blog on reaching goals because the thing about not being your best self means that you do not have to stay there. You can take small steps toward becoming your best self and in the process your self esteem will grow and grow. It was the same thing with my weight lost. Once I committed myself to my weight lost I lost 5 pounds, my self esteem got better, 10 pounds, my self esteem got better, 30, 40, and then 50 and even 60 and my self esteem was through the roof.
But I also want to say this, that even when I was 200 plus pounds I still liked myself and maintained some essences of high self esteem. Because like the first tip I had self regulation. That even when I was not at my best there were always steps that I can do to get to my best self and I could still have high self esteem while I was moving toward being a better version of myself. High self esteem is not contingent upon being perfect. If that was the case then none of us would have high self esteem, ever.
What’s my point?
My point is that as long as you are alive you can keep improving and moving toward where you want to be and who you want to be, and nothing is ever set in stone. And if you do not have high self esteem because you are not happy about something about yourself then choose to do change that about yourself.
4. You Lack Confidence
I have a separate blog on how to build confidence, but the lack of confidence is a killer of high self-esteem. And when it comes to confidence, I say to you just fake it until you make it. I know you may be thinking that I am completely full of crap but just hear me out. Or at least do what I tell you to do. One day just choose to behave in a way that is confident even If you really don’t feel like it. And I can almost bet that when you do, you WILL notice a difference. You will notice the way people respond to you and even how you feel about yourself.
And when you behave in a way that is confident and projects high self esteem and you see how things start to change around you it will give you even more confidence to continue to behave in the same way. One day just get up, dress in a way that makes you feel confident. You can put on stilettos, wear red lipstick, or something that you always wanted to do but lack the confidence to do. Walk out of your house like you are the best thing since slice bread. Walk with confidence and act with confidence throughout your day. Walk with your head held high, start a conversation with an attractive man that you would normally be scared to do, and voice your opinion at work when normally you wouldn’t do so.
I can almost bet that the world will not end, everyone will not think you are crazy, and you will notice and instant increase in your self esteem and the way the world around you will change because of how you changed. Which will give you the courage you need to do it again and again and increase your self esteem. Because although you started it as faking it per se, when you really see that having high self esteem means shifting your own mindset then it is easier for that shift to be permanent. Also check out my video below for how to build confidence.
I really hoped that these tips help you understand why you don’t have high self esteem and how you can get high self esteem. This is not some secret where you have to be born with it, you can have it once it make a determination within yourself that you want it. If you know someone that may need to read this post, then go ahead and share it with them.