How Do I move On From My Baby’s Father? Straight Talk No Chaser

How Do I move On From My Baby's Father? Straight Talk No Chaser

When you are a single mother a common question that you have is how do I move on from my baby’s father? Since I am a single mother myself that has some crazy dealings with my son’s father (click here to read my single mom story) I know exactly where you are coming from.  You may have wanted a normal family.

You may be upset that you have to take on most of the responsibility of raising your child by yourself. You may even be mad that your child’s father cannot put these other chicks aside and pay attention to being a good father. Or you maybe even mad that your child’s father does not understand how awesome you and still does not want to be with you.

There are so many different scenarios that can happen when you are trying to move on from your baby’s father. But I am going to shoot straight with you.  If you are looking for someone to feed you a bunch of feel-good medicine and tell you a bunch lies, such as telling you just give it time and he may come back, that is not me.

And I know first hand that going through that merry go round of foolishness and back and forth will only frustrate you in the end.  It is better to move on and find a REAL man who wants to be with you and not get stuck on the one that doesn’t.

But before we get into all my tips, you can also check out my YouTube video on this topic that will give you ADDITIONAL tips on how to gt over your baby daddy.

Now if you are ready for some truths from someone who has been where you still maybe let’s get into it.

How do I move on from my Baby’s Father ~ #1 You Need To Check Your Feelings

You can be the master of your own emotions (click here to read my blog on that). I am not telling you to be a robot where you are choosing not to feel anything. But oftentimes when you are trying to move on from your baby’s father you feel TOO much, sometimes driving yourself crazy and making yourself look crazy in the process.

Even if he has moved on with another woman or whatever the case maybe you are not together.  Accept it and move on.  It is not easy to move on I get that. You will still be upset about it and be jealous but that is why you have to get on your grown woman status and decided NOT to act on any and every emotion you feel.

I spoke about this in how to handle a break up blog which you can click here to read. I know it is not easy to move on, you can be sad, and mourn; but only do that for a limited time.  If you choose to get jealous, refuse to allow him to see the child, and do random drive-bys on his house to see if another woman is there; then you are just making the situation worse. For yourself and for your child.

Often times you have to resist the urge to go cray and keep your feelings in check.  This will allow you to be level headed AND allow you to really see the situation for what it is.

That he does not want to be with you and there is no reason for you to act like you need to be in a psych ward to get him back. I want to share my single mom level up video with you because truth be told, my life did not get better under I released my son’s father and the drama.  Also, you can subscribe to my channel here.

How do I move on from my Baby’s Father ~ #2 Stop having sex

Sex is not going to win him back. I feel it is my obligation to tell you that. So many times the reason why you are not moving on from your baby’s father is that you keep sleeping with him. STOP. When you have sex with someone there are hormones that are released in which you are attaching yourself to that person.

So having sex with your child’s father is actually keeping you from moving on. Not to mention that he is just having his cake and eating it too. He does not want to be with you but when it is convenient for him he wants to sleep you, playhouse, and still go out and do what he wants to do. All the while you are left feeling all used up.

Because after he is done having sex with you, you realized that he has not changed and he is the same man that you do not want to be with or he is the same man who does not want to be with you.

But he just took your cookies in the process making you feel even more worse about yourself.  I urge you to check out how to maintain celibacy with being a single mom if you struggle with the idea of not having sex with your ex.

NOW time for a truth moment.  I have been celibate for many years because the last time I had sex was with my son’s father and the AFTERMATH was SOOO HORRIBLE that is when I realized I could not do it anymore.  I am not going to get into the full story in this post but I have a video on it that you can watch below.

#3 You Need To Set Boundaries

On the note of not having sex you really just need to set clear boundaries to point blank period. You cannot be halfway in and halfway out.  You cannot let your child’s father come to spend the night at your house or even still live together. How can you get over someone if they are still all up and in your personal space?

I know that often times we still want to do activities as a family and perhaps that day will come LATER on down the line once you are over him. But if you are not over him, trying to do things as a family is just going to remind you of the family you want and you will try to get him back as opposed to try to get over him.

The fact of the matter is, that he needs to have a relationship with your child and not you. So if that means that you need to keep him from coming over your house or have him pick up the child in a public area then do that. You need to set firm co-parenting boundaries.

That means the conversations should be focused on the child and not focused on your relationship, your possible relationship, and/or why things did not work out.  Just focus it on you two being good parents and that is all the conversation you two need to be having.

Also before I continue I want to tell you about my hour-long audio will give you a deep dive on how to get over your child’s father AND level up your own life.  Click here to buy it.

How do I move on from my Baby’s Father ~ #4 Start Dating

If you are single there is nothing wrong with going out on a date or two and getting to know other people.  When you are trying to get over someone, often time’s women will stop their whole lives and hope that their ex will come back to them.

Wasting their time and their sanity in the process. Dating other men can be a good thing, note I did not say sleeping with other men. The other men you date may treat you better than your ex, they may want to be in a relationship with you more than your ex, and it will also help you get over your ex.

Often time when we are missing an ex, we tend to forget that the relationship was not all peaches and cream anyway.  And because you were with your child’s father you may have forgotten what it was actually like to be wanted by someone else or even treated well by someone else. There may be some awesome guy that wants to be exactly the type of man you need.

But you will never find that out unless you are actually putting yourself out there and trying to get to know other people. I want you to check out my blog on where to meet good quality men. Not only should you date other men but date better men so you can be reminded of what you deserve and how you deserve to be treated.

AND this is not to say that I have a video on everything which you may be thinking at this point. But look at Ciara and Rusell Wilson. I mean she was engaged to a man that cheated on her and now she is married to a man that loves her and has a lot of bank.

Money is not everything but it does help. That coupled with the fact that he loves her son from Future like his own and is a better father.  All of which would not have been possible if she was too afraid to put herself out there.

#5 Don’t Want Anyone That Does Not Want You

If your baby’s father wanted to be with you then he would, but he doesn’t. So that means that you should not want to be with him either. Never put yourself in a position in which you are an option in his mind.  If he does not know where he wants to be then let him go on about his business and you go about yours.

Do not try to get him back, do not make him try to see what a mistake he made, do not call him all hours of the day using your child as an excuse to talk to him.  Don’t do any of that.

Because what that says is I am trying to get a man that does not want me. Think enough of yourself to say that if he does not want you then it is his loss. AND IT IS!  Don’t just say it. But believe it AND act like it. Really believe in your mind that it is HIS lost not yours.

#6 Do something with yourself

I am a huge advocate that while you are single or even when you go through a break up that you need to do something that makes you happy and that will elevate yourself.  That could mean going back to school (Get my blog here for tips), getting a better job (Click my blog here for tips), or to start traveling more.

“The more you are doing you the less you are worried about him.”

And if you really want to be team petty, you want him to think what was I thinking breaking up with her.  Do not get me wrong, you work on you for you. But also show him that him breaking up with you was not going to make or break your life.

And now that he is gone out of your life you are doing 10 times better than when he was in it.  Find a way to make yourself better and upgrade yourself and your life. If you do not know what I mean check out my two blogs below that will tell you exactly how to do it.

How To Upgrade Yourself.

 Upgrade Your Life As A Single Mom & Here’s How To Do It

These are all of my how do I move on from my baby’s father tips. And I know what you are thinking that I make it sounds so easy to get over your baby’ father. It is not easy, but it can be done. The tips I am giving you is so that you can make your transition better.

As a person who has lived it, it is NOT beneficial for you to keep going back and forth with your baby’s fathers for months and sometimes years on end.  Once I decided to implement these steps, it made getting over him a lot faster and a whole lot easier. And now I am in a MUCH better space.

If you know someone who could read this post, then feel free to share it with them.

Did you know that I have a book specifically for single moms? To know more about my No Nonsense Single Mom’s Devotional then click here buy. Also click the picture below to Join my email list Sophie-stication Nation if you are not sure about the book and want to get a few chapters free click here or the picture below.

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95 Comments

  1. Thank you so much for writing this blog . I’m currently 21 weeks pregnant and my baby’s father does not want to be with me . Your experience and your tips has given me so much clarity and I’m excited to snap back and take control of my life .

    • Bless u babe I, hope ur coping, OK! Just parted from my 1 yo dad and couldn’t imagine doing it all alone again I done it first child! Wish u all the happiness babe xx

    • Wow this is literally me right now. 21 weeks pregnant and the father left me and wants nothing to do with our child. I needed to read this. I’m ready to gain back my life and enjoy the rest of this pregnancy and not let his words and actions affect my life and my happiness

      • Yes, I am glad to hear it. I know what you are going through right now my son’s father left when I told him I was pregnant. But I can tell you I am so happy I decided to enjoy my pregnancy regardless and not let his actions phase me. Now when I look back I think of the positive pregnancy that I had despite him and I am glad I did not let him ruin such a wonderful moment in my life.

    • Thank you so much for sharing your story. It makes me feel better because i am 15 weeks pregnant and he just does not seem interested at all anymore. I went to his house last sunday and he literally threw me out. That moment there is a man who does not care about my situation all he wants is to be with me. I think its high time i move on with my life. I deserve better hey! Thank you so much for this blog.

  2. Thank you Sophie, I’m a single mom & my baby is just 9months,her father lives abroad, he’s moved on without me and I must say it hurts. After reading this, I must confess its really his lost & I deserve more seriousness & consistency. Thank you for the light, I’m much determined now. I’ll be okay & happy soon.

  3. Thank you for this sophie I am 25 years old with 3 kids by someone I was with for 10 years and his helped me out alot because I wanna upgrade my life I have a womens empowerment group and want to start a blog can you give me some pointers

    • Wow i am 23 with 2 nd i had always wanted to meet someone i could relate to . It always feels like all these encouragements are for a person with maybe a single child two feels like a whole lot to start over with but you just made me believe its possible❤️

      • We met when was 18……now am 23 with 2 wonderful kids…..he has been cheating but from reading this….I have decided to move on

  4. Ladies, I just had my son January 2nd of 2019. My sons dad cheated on me the whole time I was pregnant with his ex. I had my suspicions and when I found out, I found myself blaming me for being so gullible. After finding out he cheated on me, I found out he had another child whom he’s never seen but knew he had another child. Learning all this information in one day sent me over the top and sent me into premature labor. I somehow forgave him and thought we could get past it and be a family. But I was simply degrading myself, I deserve more and so do each of you ladies. Let’s turn these lessons into blessings. If they can’t realize we gave them the greatest gift (a child) it’s their lost not ours. One day that right man will come

  5. I disagree with this article as a man. You should continue to see your ex, keep loving him and having sex with him. You know in your heart no other man will connect with you like him. It may not be the perfect relationship, but life is never perfect.

  6. these tips are good for getting over any guy who doesn’t treat you right. Any mom who has a kid and needs to move forward should first stop thinking from “in between her legs”…..having a baby by a guy doesn’t guarantee anything except he will move on and leave you writing blogs like this

    • Ummm I am not sure if this was a positive comment or not. I agree with what you are saying which is why I am writing blogs like this. To encourage others. But thanks for the comment.

    • A lot of times these females don’t wanna accept the truth being told . I am a woman too , but we have to start holding each other accountable. If we want society to look as us better and treat us better , we have to clean up some of the nonsense in communities. I totally agree.

      • I am not sure this is the blog for you as my blog is a place for encouragement. As a Christian blogger, I know that those within sin cast the first stone. Meaning that no one is perfect, no one can take back any mistakes that they have made, and when it comes to comments I would prefer they are encouraging not blaming or angry. If you truly want to make it your mission to help people then do it with love, compassion, and not attacking or blaming. Thanks for your comment.

        • We all have sin and Fallen short , that goes without saying. But we as women a lot of times like to place blame solely on the men . Trust me , I totally get it . I am proud of what you are doing . I read some of your content. You spoke on turning away from sexual immorality and why you chose to. You spoke on being 23 and young and not knowing , I was once 23 too. I read up . But we as women have to start holding each other accountable too . We can’t stand before God On on judgement day and act like , well no one told me and I didn’t know . The Bible says no man enters the flames blindfolded. A lot of times when someone speaks truth , no chaser , they are labeled a troublemaker or being judgmental when in all actuality folks don’t like hearing the truth. And as a black woman , 33 years old , we have to do better .

  7. THANK YOU IVE BEEN WITH MY BD FOR 6 YEARS AND WE HAVE A 3 YEAR OLD SON. HE LEFT ME FOR ANOTHER WOMEN WHEN WE WAS ON BAD TERMS. I STILL DIDNT MOVE ON EVEN AFTER THAT. YOUR WORDS WERE REALLY ENCOURAGING AND REALLY GOING TO HELP ME BE THAT BETTER WOMAN. I LOOK DAMN GOOD, SOMEBODY WANT ME! IMA MAKE SURE I KEEP THAT THOUGHT IN MY HEAD “HIS LOST!”

  8. I think the question is , why are we still having babies out of wedlock. If that man truly loves you and you are actually with someone with morality and the desire to be a real man , he’s going to marry you , period. Often times we wanna complain about raising kids alone , when that’s what we signed up for to begin with , by not allowing ORDER TO TAKE PLACE FIRST . GET MARRIED ! 2. STOP LAYING UP OUT OF WEDLOCK SO MUCH . For those that don’t know , CLOSE YOUR LEGS and GO SOMEWHERE AND BE BY YOURSELF , learn to love yourself and truly become a REAL SOLID WOMAN .

    • As someone who has had a baby out of wedlock, I can say my son was a blessing and the reason why I am where I am today. But I will agree that it was not ideal nor do I want to have more children out of wedlock. In any case, I do not think that you should put all single moms in a box. Many of them were married, and they are still single moms with ex-husbands who are not good fathers to their children. Therefore, I think we should reframe from putting the situation ALL on the woman. None of them created children on their own and hold some of them men accountable too.

      • I never said “All” but if many were married and that statement were actually true , then 73 percent of black children wouldn’t be born out of wedlock. Enough said on that one .

        • Whoever you are negative Nancy you need to go find happiness. Your opinion isn’t necessarily right and it’s always different dynamics that you probably wouldn’t understand because you’re not that person. Just be thankful this blog was created to help encourage and maybe let someone know they are not alone in emotional times like this could be. If the blog doesn’t suit your needs go the freak away.

        • Can you just Shut up already. You sound really unwise and you are trying to hard to make yourself relevant. And this is really not the space for that.

        • I don’t know y every time when i had something about my boyfriend Babby daddy when am asking him about that thing he gets angry

          Last time I had some gals talking wen I was at shopping saying that my Babby daddy he’s dating some other gal then I asked him then he got angry n sad he need nothing to do with me anymore

  9. This is truly encouraging, it’s no use holding on to a wet tissue. I am a beautiful, well educated and humbled being I deserve a lot better than a man that’s confused and keep dragging me in his mess of a life.
    Thank you Thank you Thank you for this, more women need to read this.

  10. I want to start following this advice, at this point I want to do anything to get over the situation
    I’m a 36 yr old women with 2 children. I was with my bf for 18 years. What’s harder for me is I’ve only ever been with him, he criticised me a lot during the relationship, I was too dark, not sexy enough, in the last five years noting I did could of been enough.
    I stayed because he would often tell me I’d end up being nothing more than someone’s side chick, he finally left me for someone else which to me must confirm this is to be true.
    I left him alone never called texted begged none of that, he would pick my youngest up from school but then he slowly stoped giving me money

    This is where reality is starting to kick in for me now I think this is what I’m finding hard
    He no longer cares about seeing her and tells me he’s not giving me nothing and will provide for the kids when they ask for something

    I’ve been feeling crazy ever since and want to stop him from seeing both kids, I can’t cope doing everything on my own financially, while he’s off living life I’ll have to run my self down to get a second job when I already work long hours as it is

    • You an cope and you will. I know it may seem like you cannot now, and it may even be hard. I know the feeling. When I look back I have always said that not getting child support was the best thing that happened. It would have helped alot I get it. BUT my son’s father was always using it as a way to control and manipulate. One month he literally would give me like $5 and then none for years and the most he has been ordered to pay was $65 a month. But that is what made me work harder to get on my own and have money that he could not control and a life that he could not control. Even if you have to work a second job temporarily. Just use this as a chance to figure out how to get a bigger paying job and find a way to get what you really want out of life. You have wasted way too much time letting what he does determine what you can and cannot do. Do not allow him to use his money as another way to control you.

  11. Thank you so much Sophie for this blog.I am
    27 years,have a beautiful two year old daughter and her father left me for a girl he goes to church with.I hate how even if my B.D is not in my life anymore he still has a hold on me.I literally think about him every single day…be it the good times during our relationship,the bad or how i badly want my daughter to grow up with both her biological parents(something i never got to experience)…I really want it to stop,when i think i’m over him he video calls my daughter(since we live far from him),then i go back to thinking about him,us and what we could be.I feel like i need space from in a sense that I dont pick up his video calls anymore(but at the same time I want my daughter to have a relationship with her father)….I feel like i don t know what i want🙁

    • Thanks for your comment and I want to be honest with you. A man who decided to leave you and your daughter for someone else, does not deserve you. He does not see your worth and he does not see your value, and it is much better to move on to someone does. Let him be a good father and move on with your life to a better man who would never walk out on you or think that another woman is a better choice than you. You are not an option.

  12. Thank you sophie to write this inspirational advice. Im having a hard time to let go of my baby’s father because i love him more than else even if it hurts the most. But in this blog of yours i just have to Admit to myself that he never love me back anymore.

  13. Omg, you hit me right on the head. I am going through this now with my childs father of 12 years of friendship. Our bundle was planned and he knew I didnt want to be alone again being that my first 10 years prior me and his dad didnt work out. And now having a 10 month old with him. I feel so upset with myself. I know we live and learn I just didn’t want to experience this again. I always asked what was our status and he would always say we are going to be the best parents to the baby. And that loved me. And would always be there. Not knowing that was his short way of saying were going to Co-parent. Even though I dont like it. I’m learning everyday how to cope and move on for me and my boys sake. I ain’t going lie I still love him deeply. But again I dont want to be guessing and wondering if the feelings are mutual. Lonely, questioning myself. I knew what I was getting involved with. Since I stop texting and questioning and calling him for no apparent reason. I feel a bit better, I got a friend now. And things have being going. Not really ready to step out with the dating scene yet. But we good. My childs father is a great father to my son and his family loves him to death. I still interact with the family for the baby sake but I dont go around as much because I feel it’s no need. But I wanna thank you for the all the tips you’ve hit on how to move on with life. It’s not the end of the world.

    • No it is not the end of the world and he is not the last man in the world. He is a good father it sounds like, which is great. But just know that if you want a family I believe that you will have someone that will give you that in the right time and it will be the right type of man for you that can give you that traditional family that you want.

  14. I AM HAVING DIFFICULTY NOW BECAUSE I HAVE TWO SONS THEY HAVE DIFFERENT DAD BUT I RECENTLY HAD MY SECOND SON IN JUNE ME AND HIS FATHER WAS SO GOOD IN THE BEGINNING UNTIL HE MET MY PARENTS WHATEVER MY PARENTS SAY HE FIND THAT DISRESPECTFUL. SO THAN WE MOVE IN TOGETHER WHILE I WAS PREGNANT I WENT THROUGH SO MUCH PAIN BECAUSE HE WILL ALWAYS BE UPSET TALKING BAD ABOUT MY PARENTS THAT THEY ARE DISRESPECTFUL I WAS UNDER SO MUCH STRESS THAN HE TOLD ME HE REGRET MEETING ME BECAUSE OF MY PARENTS THAN HE SAID HE WOULDN’T NEVER MARRIED SOMEONE LIKE BECAUSE OF MY PARENTS EVERYTIME HE PASSED MY PARENTS HOUSE HE IS ALWAYS ANGRY FOR NO REASON MY PARENTS NEVER HAD ANYTHING WITH HIM THEY WAS JUST TRYING TO PROTECT ME SO I BECAME STRESS BECAUSE HE WOULD BRING UP MY PARENTS IN ALL OF OUR CONVERSATION SO THAN I WAS CLOSE TO GIVING BIRTH SO HE TOLD ME HE SAID THAT HE WILL LEAVE AS SOON AS I GAVE BIRTH I WAS SO STRESS I WAS CRYING SO MUCH DURING MY PREGNANCY I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE BUT THE MOST BIGGEST THING HE MISSED THE DAY I ACTUALLY GAVE BIRTH TO HIS SON I WAS SO EMOTIONALLY LOST I CRY SO MUCH HE HURTED ME SO MUCH EVER SINCE I GAVE BIRTH HE BECAME WORSE NOW HE SAYING I NEVER LOVED HIM OR ANYTHING I WAS GOING THRU A DEPRESSION I WAS ALWAYS SAD HE WOULD ALWAYS BE ANGRY SO HE CAME TO MY PARENTS HOUSE AND TOLD MY MOM AND HER FACE THAT IT WAS OVER BETWEEN US SO I WAS HURTING WHEN HE DID THAT BUT THANOT NOW I STARTED TALKING TO SOMEONE WE BECAME FRIENDS BUT THAN WE STARTED TO FAll IN LOVE AND I LOVE HIM BUT I DO NOT HAVE ANYMORE FEELINGS FOR MY CHILD FATHER HE PUT ME THROUGH SO MUCH SO NOW MY BD SAYING HE IS IN LOVE WITH ME BUT MY HEART IS FOR SOMEONE ELSE THAT MAKE ME FEEL IMPORTANT BUT NOW HE WANTS ME BACK I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE

    • I think that you do not need to go back and put yourself in this toxic situations. It sounds like a lot of drama and you have two children you need to care for without the back and forth. If he really wants you back then in time he will need to prove to you that he can earn your trust back. But leave that up to him, just go about your everyday life not giving him any thought. But I would not get back with him at all, I would just co-parent with him and as time goes on you will see if he has really changed or not.

        • No, but I do answer specific questions on my channel if you want to ask something specifically just email me or DM me and I can answer your concerns and keep you anonymous if need be.

  15. Hi Sophie

    Thank you very much for all these tips. It’s really encouraging.

    I’m a 28 year old woman and my son just turned 15months. When i fall pregnant the father of my child left me for another woman ( I was only few weeks pregnant when he left me) 3months later he came back asking for forgiveness, telling me how he wanted to work things out, and how he wanted to be part of his child’s life. I forgave him, took him back but things were not good at all. I could see he was just with me for the sake of the pregnancy.

    6 months after my son was born he then told he want out of the relationship. He left me, my son was only 6 months then. That was the hardest time of my life, Got depressed, asked myself questions, blamed myself for taking him back, it was really bad coz i really loved me and wanted us to work things out.

    It’s been 8 months now ever since the break up and i have been having a hard time letting go coz he keeps on texting me every single day, asking about the child. I don’t have a problem updating him and allowing him to see his child, the only problem i have is he want us to communicate daily and that is unnecessary. The problem is he knows i’m still in love with him and he’s been using that against me. He has moved on now with another woman, but he denies that he’s in a relationship and he keeps on giving me false hope. He has really taken so much from me.

    I’ve been having a hard time letting go but after reading this i really feel so much better. I’m ready to get up and soldier on. It’s his loss, I deserve better and i’m worthy. Thank you very much for all these tips.

    • You are so welcome. Is there a way that you can also just set up a visitation schedule, google voice number, or even an email. That way he is not contacting you directly and you do not have to see the text daily if you do not want to? The most important thing is that you have to draw boundaries for yourself.

  16. Thank you for these tips. The FOB hid from me that his ex girlfriend was pregnant when we first started dating 8 months ago. After breaking up with him I found out I was pregnant too. I’m currently 34 weeks pregnant and have tried to stay no contact from him, except he continues to call me and leave me messages about missing and loving me – all while he is living with his other baby momma and newborn son. It makes me sick and disgusted that he still does this. He wants to be involved with the baby. He has bad habits and is untrustworthy. I don’t want my daughter around his toxic energy. I don’t know what to do.

    • I think as long as he is not physically harming the child or you do not fear for the child’s safety, then let him see the child. Of course, you can draw boundaries, and even go to meditation if you feel he will have bad habits around your child. In that way, if it comes down to you not allowing him to see your daughter, then you have it documented in court as to why, as in he is doing something behaviorally or physically detrimental to your daughter. I let my son see his father when he was with the woman he cheated on me with. But in the end that did not last long. He just wanted to play stepfamily or something. But no one was going to take the place of me in my son’s heart and eventually the way he was and his absentee father ways began to show and that is when you can not allow him to see the child. But given him, a chance first (even if the visits are supervised) before not letting him see the child.

  17. Today was hard .. i realize that the last five years have been painful he has been going back and forth between me and Hus Ex he lives with her now and my daughter goes there. I was really angry he moved to a new state. He came to drop her off to me today and I still gave feelings for him he belittles me and disrespects me. I don’t mine why it’s so hard to move on.

  18. 5 years ago I left my very first boyfriend for a much older guy. We dated (still dating, kind of) until after 4 years I fell pregnant with my beautiful daughter (now 6 months). 2 years into our relationship I found out he was married and was separated from his wife. I know I should have just left him but I was so much in love with him I couldn’t imagine my life without him…..when I conceived my daughter he told me he doesn’t see a future with me. My only problem is I decided to go back to university to persue my studies and he’s the one who is providing for us with absolutely everything. He pays for my studies, my rent, groceries, childminder and gas. Sometimes he would stay a month without calling and when he does finally, it’s as if nothing ever happened. Because I love him so deeply, and I obviously want my child to have a relationship with her dad, I switch off all my anger towards him. The only thing keeping me from moving forward is the fact that he’s supporting me financially and I can’t just walk away but after I complete my degree I won’t think twice, I won’t hesitate ……I will safely tell him I want him more. He can carry on lying and cheating with whoever he is with when he is out of contact for a month. Sophia, thank you so much, I needed to to be told words like in your blog. I wish one day I’ll come back and tell you’ll how proud I am for accomplishing all that I’d have at that time. Thank you girl.

    • You are so welcome I am glad you enjoyed it. As a tidbit, I would start to come up with a plan now. I mean if he wants to pay for you to go to college that is great. So yes I agree, get your degree. Have a plan, and save money that he gives you if you can. That way if he just ups and walks away (Hopefully he won’t) but things happen. You have a backup plan, money, just in case you know.

  19. My baby daddy and I had plans to start a family when I got pregnant. But he cheated on me with several women. He wasn’t much around when I gave birth and I felt abandoned and unloved. When I found out about his infidelity, he was not truly sorry. I have been so angry, at him for breaking his promise to me, for not loving me when I needed love, and for denying our son the chance to grow up in a complete family. I am trying so hard to separate my personal feelings from getting into the way of him being a father to our son. Anv honestly, this blog helped alot. Thank you.

  20. I’ve been in a relationship with my sons father for nearly 8 years…until 2 days ago. Everything in my home was ‘ours’. I feel like I dont even remember life without him. This heartache makes me never want to date again.

    • I am so sorry to hear that. Yes, your heart will take time to heal but in time, when the time is right you will be able to date again.

  21. Thanks for the advice’s,I 25 with the worst story that cannot be just mentioned out,have a 3 year lovely girl who lost her twin brother,how a times I wish i was left with life after…..

  22. My child’s father and I were together for 5 years. We have a 2 year old daughter. We broke up in Dec 2019 and I’m still having a hard time moving on. He immediately got into a new relationship with the girl he cheated on me with when my daughter was very young and he is still with her today. When he cheated on me I was so mad and upset that out of anger I made a mistake and cheated back. Things between us eventually got better and our relationship was going good. I thought that he completely cut this girl off but he didn’t. In oct/nov he broke up with me one day and then we got back together a few weeks later. When he broke up with me he immediately started hanging out with this same woman. A few weeks later, I took him back thinking things would be okay. Then he went through my phone and saw a video of me and a guy friend hugging when we were technically broken up and broke it off again and we haven’t been back together since. We have still slept with each other after the breakup which led me to thinking he wasn’t over me and eventually he would come back again. He was in and out back and forth. Telling me he was coming back to his family and in a matter of time we would be back but never came back. I thought that the rebound relationship would fail and that he would come back to me but he didn’t. This new girl is around his entire family, they all follow her on Instagram, it seems like they really like her. My baby dad even helps take care of her son she has with another man. Her son is 2 as well. The problem is my child father is a good dad and I’m upset and jealous that he is spoiling this girl and taking care of her son. After we broke up, he came into some money and is doing things for this new girl that he never did for me. It makes me wonder what things would have been like if we would have stayed together. I feel like everything is my fault. Is it my fault for our breakup? He even says to me today that he doesn’t cheat on his gf at all and when him and I hook up that doesn’t count as cheating and she’ll never find out. Baby moms and baby dads always hook up so he says it’s not cheating.

    How do I move on and accept that it’s over? I keep hoping and praying that they break up and we get back but so much damage has been done I don’t see that happening again. I find myself obsessing over their Instagrams and watching both of their pages daily. The gf also reposts things about love, marriage, how she is so in love and love songs etc. I’m so angry that she is with him. She stays with him almost every night and sometimes I find myself driving past his house to see if she is there. Almost every time I drive past, she’s there. How do I stop this vicious cycle? How do I accept it for what it is? How do I let this go? HELP PLEASE!

  23. Hi Sophia! Thank you for being such an open book about your life. I know that can sometimes be hard. My question is how does someone do all these steps and help themselves move on when their baby’s father lives next store to you? I own my house outright and I refuse to be run out of my home just because of him. Thank you in advance.

    • Yes, I do not blame you would not run from my home but you also do not have to have contact with him, allow him to just come over your house, or even pay attention to what he is doing. I would try to just not pay attention to him at all and if he tries to come over unless it was planned for him to see the child then I would ignore him and when he does come keep the conversation short. This is just called having boundaries and now allowing people into your space and this is what helps you heal.

      • I have to close my curtains on that side of the house cause I feel like I’m being watched. My friends think I’m paranoid. And I might be. But he has also turned ruthless especially when it comes to our arguments. I am on disability because I have chronic asthma. One day I might be fine. The next day I’m lucky if I can walk to the other side of the room. Because I’m on disability and government assistance he throws in things in my face saying that I choose not to work, that he could provide better because he works (he milks cows!!!) and not even 8 hours a day mind you. He lives with his mom because he doesn’t make enough to have his own place. Will only have his son on certain days and will not keep him over night “because he has to work”. Oh there is sooo much I could get into. But I’ll save you all from my baby daddy drama. Bottom line is I feel like I can’t break free. I feel like I am stuck to live this horrific cycle day in and day out. Even telling him to not message me unless it is about our son doesn’t stop him.

  24. Hi, I came across your blog.. I just found out a few days ago my babyfather has another babymother. I knew the one he told me about but I was shocked to find out.we dont live together because he’s in between jobs and I’m still at my parents house. I met him when he had his own place and working. The baby mother sent me a message on Facebook and I guess from pictures or whatever she seen… she said come get your man and get his belongings from my house. She said we have 4 girls together and told me we were pregnant around the same time…I’m still shocked.. and disgusting…he said he was staying with a friend till he get on his feet… and of course my family dont play that unwed guy at their house. He never apologized..just said he was gonna come and talk to me…. never mentioned anything about his other kids… I sent him to voicemail today after he asking me for sex… I feel so low right now… like its sick…got a whole famy so it looks like I’m a side chick which I’m too fabulous to even be…we talked about marriage and everything…if she didn’t get married after four plus kids y am I any different

    • Yeah, that is a messed up situation at this point I would just choose to walk away. Let him see the child of course but that is way too much drama to deal with and there are way better men out there that won’t do all of that to you. Like you said girl you’re way too fabulous.

  25. Sophie, thank you you made me cry, I am 32 yrs old had 1 son turning 2. We are together about 13 yrs. And he always cheated on me. But I always forgive him. But when I was pregnant he choose to be alone. He left me without nothing. And now even if were together already, he still dumped me.l as always. What should I do.

  26. This article has helped me a lot as it’s straight forward! “If he wanted to be with you he would” TRUTH! Me and my baby dad got together when I was 18, I’m now 23 and we have 2 children together. I broke up with him as he had a lot of issues that he was taking out on me, our relationship was toxic! I spent most of the relationship wanting to be out of it! But while we was broken up for 2 months we was still sleeping together and acting as if we was together just with out the commitments to each other. 2 weeks ago he said that he doesn’t want me anymore, he wants someone else and he has been speaking to her for 2 weeks and says he has more feelings for her than he did for me in 5 years. That hurts, I have been crying everyday and beyond hurt I feel like I’ll never move on from this, I just want to be able to want someone that isn’t him but I can’t! I am going to try and focus on myself, as other than yesterday I’ve been messaging him everyday trying to get him back and I think that’s what hurts the most, rejection. I just want to feel good enough, but I know I won’t ever be good enough for someone that doesn’t want me and I’ve accepted that. He still sees our kids every Sunday, which I am happy with. I just feel devastated and that it’s all my fault that we aren’t together as he never would’ve spoken to her if I just put up with his crap.

    • Do not feel devastated and it hurts right now because it is so recent. But time will heal all wounds and it will not hurt so much.

  27. 13 years and three kids later, he admits to talking to another woman but refuses to admit they are more than friends. Admits he hasn’t had feelings for me for a year now. Due to covid we struggled. He needed a new car, I took my super out and bought him a car. Now he tells me that he hasn’t loved me for a year? He had feelings for a woman who had a boyfriend since last year, but kept me just because it was easier than starting again. Now that this has happened I have realised so much. Nothing was ours, it was his. I gave up everything for him. I was a stay at home mother for him, i need my teeth fixed but there was never enough money unless it was for his teeth. I was not shared with, his money was his money. Literally right now as I sob I have an abscess on a tooth that I am trying to control with plain old Panadol and Nurofen. I could have gotten my teeth fixed with my super, but it all went on his car. He knows how much I’m suffering with my teeth and then throws this at me? He paid for my car to be fixed, yet he is making me pay him back? I have been emotionally and financially abused, and as ashamed as I am to admit it, physically pushed by him too. I know deep down this is my escape card, but I am so used to living this toxic life and asking permission for anything I want to do or whom I can visit, that I no longer have the strength to be anything else than a puppet. Nothing was good enough, everything was my fault, the house was immaculate but never immaculate enough for him. He always found a reason to pick on me. I’m one of those stupid women who keeps going back to him. Our children and I don’t even live with him, we have a place of our own and I stupidly don’t even make him pay child support, because I have to pay him back for the car. Why am I even in love with this monster? I know he is a monster, yet I can never ever seem to let him go like he does me. When we left he wouldn’t even let me take the car, he allowed his children and myself to walk in the heat and have my dad come pick us up. Why am I so easy to forgive. I feel like the stupidest woman in the world. All I’ve taught my children is that a man can treat you this way and still keep coming around for the things that make him happy. For a whole year he hasn’t had feelings, yet in that time he told me he loved me, and had sex with me. For thirteen years and two massive breakups and now the final breakup and I still have no self respect. I wish I had been strong enough to stick to my guns and not gone back time and time again. He had an alcohol problem, he won’t admit he has mental problems, it was me that took shit too seriously, and I was the one with mental problems he told me. I literally am so broken I feel I am damaged goods and would be absolutely terrified of ever having a relationship with anyone else. I’m scared that I will meet someone just like him or worse, and kept saying to myself ‘better the devil you know’ I’m sorry this is so long but I’m literally hurting so bad, especially with an abscess that I literally can’t do anything about. I need to get over him and I know this, but he has said and done this to me before and then come to me crying and telling me he loved me and I don’t want that this time. Please help me be strong and thankyou for even reading this.

  28. 13 years and three kids later, he admits to talking to another woman but refuses to admit they are more than friends. Admits he hasn’t had feelings for me for a year now. Due to covid we struggled. He needed a new car, I took my super out and bought him a car. Now he tells me that he hasn’t loved me for a year? He had feelings for a woman who had a boyfriend since last year, but kept me just because it was easier than starting again. Now that this has happened I have realised so much. Nothing was ours, it was his. I gave up everything for him. I was a stay at home mother for him, i need my teeth fixed but there was never enough money unless it was for his teeth. I was not shared with, his money was his money. Literally right now as I sob I have an abscess on a tooth that I am trying to control with plain old Panadol and Nurofen. I could have gotten my teeth fixed with my super, but it all went on his car. He knows how much I’m suffering with my teeth and then throws this at me? He paid for my car to be fixed, yet he is making me pay him back? I have been emotionally and financially abused, and as ashamed as I am to admit it, physically pushed by him too. I know deep down this is my escape card, but I am so used to living this toxic life and asking permission for anything I want to do or whom I can visit, that I no longer have the strength to be anything else than a puppet. Nothing was good enough, everything was my fault, the house was immaculate but never immaculate enough for him. He always found a reason to pick on me. I’m one of those stupid women who keeps going back to him. Our children and I don’t even live with him, we have a place of our own and I stupidly don’t even make him pay child support, because I have to pay him back for the car. Why am I even in love with this monster? I know he is a monster, yet I can never ever seem to let him go like he does me. When we left he wouldn’t even let me take the car, he allowed his children and myself to walk in the heat and have my dad come pick us up. Why am I so easy to forgive. I feel like the stupidest woman in the world. All I’ve taught my children is that a man can treat you this way and still keep coming around for the things that make him happy. For a whole year he hasn’t had feelings, yet in that time he told me he loved me, and had sex with me. For thirteen years and two massive breakups and now the final breakup and I still have no self respect. I wish I had been strong enough to stick to my guns and not gone back time and time again. He had an alcohol problem, he won’t admit he has mental problems, it was me that took shit too seriously, and I was the one with mental problems he told me. I literally am so broken I feel I am damaged goods and would be absolutely terrified of ever having a relationship with anyone else. I’m scared that I will meet someone just like him or worse, and kept saying to myself ‘better the devil you know’ I’m sorry this is so long but I’m literally hurting so bad, especially with an abscess that I literally can’t do anything about. I need to get over him and I know this, but he has said and done this to me before and then come to me crying and telling me he loved me and I don’t want that this time. Please help me be strong and thankyou for even reading this.

    • Hi, try garlic on your tooth over night …try two days …u will feel better trust me!!! I have yet to get to dentist because of covid… sorry about your situation.

    • Your situation sounds like what I went through. Luckily, after reading this and asking God for guidance I feel a little bit stronger every day. To have someone say they are going to change and then not do it. After 2 times of leaving and coming back to the same thing. I realized I deserve better

  29. I am so glad I came along this article. My baby father who I have been with for 9 years, broke up with me almost 9 months ago, because I kept catching him do things behind my back and would react. My child is 2 years old right now. Most the time we argue and always get through it, but this time its seems really real and its hard for me to wrap my head around. I put my all into this man for him to just call it quits on us and he says that he still loves me everyday while sleeping with someone else. He says he is not moving on and always wants me around for the holidays, New Years, family funerals, still wants to come over and for me to come over to his house and act like a family. Mind you the girl he is sleeping with lives across the street from him, he denies being in a relationship with her, but he goes over there to her house (mind you she is 19, me and him are 25), he acts distant with me, she takes him to and from work, etc. And I know she probably isnt the only one hes messing with or texting but I know shes the main one. He always tells me hes just “trying to get himself together” and for me to “relax”. When I try to COPARENT the right way and distance myself from him by not communicating with him at all only regarding our child and for her to see him, he calls me petty, or childish, or salty because I wont talk to him. Then he will ask me if I am ok when I literally just seen him walk out of this girls house and text me talking about he loves me and doesnt want things to be this way. Someone help me understand his intentions because at this point I am hurt and confused.

    • Be strong girl. My daughter is about to be a month. The only reason he wants to get back with you is because you provided security. He knows you love him. Same thing happened to me. He wants me to come back, but after leaving and coming back 3 times to the same thing I can’t take it anymore. Keep your head up high. Mind you in my situation this happened within a year of us being married. He cheated on me while I was pregnant all the while he was telling me that being a dad would make him the happiest man in the world

  30. I have a child the father of my child and I are married. However he cheated on me while I was pregnant. In July he tried to push me away saying I was too clingy and didn’t understand when he had no problem with it before. Come September the other woman let me know what my husband was up too. I left, came back and he said he was going to change and didn’t. I left again, came back and same thing. This time he says he really is going to change and wants to be a family. But it’s hard to believe him. I let him see his daughter, but he insists we get back together. His excuse I’m not being fair or thinking about him. Shit he wasn’t thinking about us when he was out with someone else. He could have told me back in July he I found someone else I don’t want you anymore. I would have understood. Do men really think we are that pathetic.

  31. I’ve been in a 25 year on and off again relationship. We were married for 10 years and have 3 kids. I’ve had no contact with him for 6 weeks. It’s the longest I’ve gone without talking to him in the last 21 years. It’s so difficult. He was living with us because he is out of work. He strangled me. In between him strangling me and letting go I was able to scream for our kids to call 911. He was arrested and we haven’t spoken to him since. That was the only time he was ever violent with me. He isn’t allowed to contact us, and won’t be allowed to until the case is over which could be a long time. I’m hoping once he is allowed to contact us I have moved on enough that I only discuss really important parenting things with him. Your suggestions are very helpful, thanks. Our youngest is 10, so there are still several years until they are all adults.

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