To listen to the blog post: How To Set Boundaries In Any & Every Type Of Relationship over reading it just click the play button below.
I think we need to talk about how to set boundaries because so many people especially women lack the ability to do so. The reason being is because women tend to want to give and over do and as an end result they end up with poor boundaries getting used, abused, and taken advantage of.
As I said in my video below some people will allow people to use and abuse them, knowing that a person is overstepping their bounds, and the person will choose to forgive them all to have that person come back in their life to use and abuse them again. And that is not what you want. When you learn how to set boundaries it is not mean or having unforgiveness, it just means you are protecting yourself first. Also, don’t forget to watch that video and subscribe to my YouTube channel by clicking here.
Which is why I want to bust one myth about setting boundaries right now. Setting boundaries is not mean, it does not mean that you are unforgiving, it does not mean that you are a bad person, it just means that you are not going to allow other people to step into your space and wreak havoc with their nonsense.
Let’s get into who you should be setting boundaries against.
When you think about how to set boundaries, people that you need to set boundaries against is any and everyone who is overstepping their bounds. I have a blog on how to protect yourself from toxic people which you can click here to read. But some of you may need to set your boundaries against, family, friends, co-workers, or just about anyone. These are people who always want to take and take and they feel that it is your obligation to always give to them without giving anything back. To give you a better example let’s see what having poor boundaries can look like in a relationship, working situations, and friendships.
What poor boundaries look like
I have a blog on having a one sided relationship and this will also probably help you out when determining if you need to set boundaries in a relationship. Because when you think about it, all interactions with people are a relationship in a way even if it is not romantic. In order to know if you should be setting boundaries in any relationship that means a person just wants to take too much of your time, money, effort, or energy.
They always want to weigh you down with their problems, call a thousand times a day and expect you to answer, fix whatever issues that they caused in their life, always expect you to be there on call like it is your job or something. And as you can probably tell all of this sound exhausting. Let’s get into some real life stories of what this look like.
Case in point of the friend who lack boundaries
I once had a friend that I talk to nearly every day. But on the days where I did not feel like answering her phone call because often times talking to her was about the issues that she was having in her life, with her kids, in her relationships, and whatever other issues was coming into play she would get mad. But see me not answering the phone was me setting boundaries because to sit a listen to her problems all day, everyday, and they were the same problems over and over again started to become exhausting to me and they were not even my problems.
The few times that I attempted to talk to her about my problems, she abruptly cut me off and told me she did not want to hear it and that I needed to find something else to talk about. And this is very typical when it comes to people that you need to set boundaries with. Because in the end relationships, and that is any relationship no matter if it is romantic, friendship, or even work is supposed to be mutual. Let me give you another example.
Case in point of the job who lacked boundaries
As a single mom, I was working at a job that did not pay over time but a couple of minutes before I was supposed to get off work my boss wanted me to stay pass 5pm and I had to pick up my son from day care other wise I would be charged $1 per minute that I was late. My boss did not care and she felt I should stay to work, without compensation, and to leave my son at a closed day care. Of course that did not happen and in a polite and respectful way I told her why. You see this is a lack of boundaries. I also have a video on lack of boundaries I experienced in the work place that you can watch below.
That job was not considering that my day care was going to close and that I had to pick up my child, not to mention I was not getting paid or compensated to work over 40 hours a week. Which is illegal. The reason why I mentioned this is because as I said, people with poor boundaries only think about their needs. Not yours, and they do not think about if they are being fair or not.
In this particular case, I had to file an official complaint in the way that she treated me during this interaction and several other interactions because my attempts to set boundaries with her only caused more issues. I say that because no matter what situation you are in, people feel comfortable over stepping their boundaries all the time because it is about them, what they want, and when you do not give them what they want they tend to get angry and upset when really they are the ones that are wrong.
Case in point of the man who lacked boundaries
If you are a reader of my blog then you should know that I had a emotional abusive relationship with my son’s father (click here to read). He was never there for me when I was pregnant or even after. And although he ignored me during my pregnancy, that did not stop him from one day, out of the blue, when I was pregnant after not hearing from him, calling me up and asking me to co-sign for him a car.
In which case I said no. Once again this is very typical of a person who lack boundaries it is never an equal give and take. He did not pay child support and disappeared off the face of the Earth when I told him I was pregnant but for some reason he felt that because he called me I was supposed to co-sign for him a car. And felt jilted hen I said no.
Why it is important to know how to set boundaries.
One of the Bible versus that I like to use about setting boundaries is: Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it Proverbs 4:23
I actually have a video on this which you can watch below but just know that when you think of the people I have just mentioned above, if you keep letting them in, keep allowing them to control you and impeding their own wants on you then you will start to take on their characteristics.
You will start to get angry, resentful, tired, worn out, and exhausted. You have your own life to live and it is way too much to be around someone who just wants to be some type of vampire sucking everything out of you, so much so that you do not have anything to give back to yourself. Which is why it is imperative to guard yourself from these people because if you don’t their actions and behavior will start to taint who you are as person.
How to set boundaries
So now that you know who to set your boundaries against, let’s go into how to set boundaries.
First recognize who they are
I have already given you examples of what people with poor boundaries look like but often times we want to still remain blinded to who these people are because we don’t want to do deal with it. Which is why you cannot make excuses for people will poor boundaries, the only way you can deal with them is to see and recognize who they are by comparing them to some of the above advice that just gave. Then…
Second, determine if they need to be in your life.
Sometimes setting boundaries with people means that you need to take on additional steps in order to limit yourself from them and sometimes you need to just cut them out of your life all together. You cannot waste your time putting up boundaries with people who probably won’t respond to them or do not need to be in your life anyway. You can watch my video below for more on when God is trying to tear someone out of your life to be able to determine who needs to be in your life versus who does not.
Third, set your terms
When you set your terms this does not have to be mean or disrespectful. When it comes to a friend you can simply say that you need to take some time for yourself and therefore you won’t be able to do (xy and z) for them anymore or whatever the case may be. If they are really a good friend dedicated to being in your life then they should not get mad about it. If they pitch a hissy fit or continues to lack boundaries then see number two. Do they really need to be in your life.
In a relationship, this is probably a more drawn out conversation. Tell your partner what you are, and are not happy with when it comes to the relationship and set the tone for what you want to change. If you feel like you are the only one giving in the relationship, tell them that and name exactly what you want to change and how you want it to change. Either your partner cares enough for you to do it or they don’t. And if they don’t once again see number 2, and determine if they need to be in your life.
When it comes to a job this can be a slippery slope because people do not want to draw boundaries at their job for fear of getting fired. But always think within reason. For example my old boss telling me to abandon my child and work over time without compensation was illegal and insensitive. So boundaries setting was to file a complaint through HR when she said she was going to write me up.
Depending on your job you can have a conversation with your boss and tell them what is too much for you and come up with a plan to change. If it is causing you mental stress then each job has an EAP. Which means you can get counseling for free about the job stress and lack of boundaries. I too have done this before in the job I mentioned above, all in which helped determine how to set boundaries and when it came down to my complaint on the lack of boundaries in the workplace I could site that I had to go to counseling due to the lack of boundaries my employer had.
And when I spoke to the CEO of the company regarding my complaint I sited that I attempted to resolve the issue on my own, went to HR, and I went to the EAP for counseling all of which made my boss look bad as all of her toxic ways were thoroughly documented. So do not be fearful when it comes to setting boundaries in the workplace. You have a lot more leverage then what you think.
I really hope that these suggestions gave you an opportunity to learn how to set boundaries in all types of relationships in your life and once again do not feel guilty for wanting to put yourself first. If you know someone who needs to read this post then go ahead and share it with them. Also, check out my Christian Manifestation Guide and I have found it super helpful to say affirmations to give me courage and help me set boundaries in all areas of my life. Click here to buy.